Trauma leaves its mark on the soul. When Scorpio comes out to play, it opens a release valve, an opportunity to clear the old wreckage away. But it’s not always that pretty.
This week the Moon, Jupiter, Venus, and the Sun are all in the sign of Scorpio, bringer of transformation, death, sex and power. This is a time when old wounds are coming up for deep, possibly permanent healing. And a few days ago a roaring dragon of intensity rose up from my own inner depths, demanding that I go for an e-ticket ride.
“The activation of light from the new moon moves us beyond our soul suffering so transformation can happen. The reflective light from the new moon can dissolve fear, anger, grief, and guilt so we can return to love. Jupiter and Venus are living in the soul scape of Scorpio right now igniting this recalibration to let love become dominant over Scorpio issues – money, sex. death, and power. “
Shamanic trauma activation and release isn’t always this big for me. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a too-quick feeling of anger or judgement about a situation. Other times it’s a stronger mix of emotions that have nothing to do with the present, and they pass after I do some practices to clear them. But this experience was like being inside a volcano. There was no way to stop or control it.
I felt both grateful and annoyed. Grateful that I could stay in mindful awareness the entire time it was happening. Grateful that a few close friends rallied to support me in clearing and releasing. Annoyed because the trigger was nothing more than a tiny text message.
I’m sure we’ve all experienced this. Text communication lacks the nuances of full human contact, and yet it triggers huge releases of oxytocin and other hormones. And sometimes we put meanings on texts (or other communication) that aren’t real.
In my case, the message itself was innocuous and there was nothing wrong in the way it was sent or in what it expressed. But it came at a time when I was tired and vulnerable, drifting off to sleep, and it grabbed hold of old abandonment trauma from childhood.
I’m the child of an alcoholic father who left when I was 7 and was a mostly absent parent. This has had a lot of consequences in my life, and I’ve had a lot of therapy, shamanic healing, and 12 step work to repair the damage. But some of my wounds are still healing. In this case, that tiny text hooked in to some of my deepest fears and reeled them up from the depths of my emotional ocean, howling for release.
The feelings that I was having were not comfortable or convenient. When this kind of deep trigger happens for me, I feel shaky, completely terrified, angry, weepy — all at the same time. What’s worse is that I become dissociated from my physical body and my surroundings, just caught in an endless loop in my mind. But I learned two amazing things when this all happened:
o Mindfulness manages big emotions. Even though I couldn’t stop the feelings, I could still sleep reasonably well, work, go to flute choir, and in general “look normal” on the outside. My behavior remained appropriate and I was completely aware – an observer watching all this happen in my body and mind.
o There’s a power that arises when these feelings get triggered – and I can USE that power for positive things in the world.
It’s hard to walk around with that much feeling in my body. This particular flavor I’ve always referred to as “the dragon”, because of how intense it feels. I’ve learned over the years to contain it. When it comes up I become extremely careful with what I say or do. I refrain from any communication with anyone who might accidentally receive the brunt of that rage—because it’s not about them—it’s about me.
When I was a little girl, I loved my Daddy beyond reason. But my Daddy was human, and there was addiction, abuse, and abandonment. I don’t blame him any more, and he has long since transitioned through death. But he left a permanent imprint on my soul. Now that I am about to become the same age he was when he died, there’s a natural rite of passage and deeper shift that wants to happen within me.
Yesterday I learned that this power cannot be stopped when it rises up. It cannot be bargained away, or made nice with. It has names like Arrow Rock, Velvet Hammer, and Thunderbird. This power, once generated, must be used.
The healing? Yesterday I saw for the first time how this power can be used. I can’t make the dragon go back to sleep, but I can steer. I can ride it, direct it’s power where it will be most useful. Like the character of Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones, I can claim the dragon as my birthright and be the mother of the dragon, rather than its victim.
I used my dragon power to engage deep compassion for a client suffering their own abandonment terrors. It gave me patience, understanding, and the ability to provide guidance and tools. Afterwards, he felt better, and I at least felt useful.
Later that day, the dragon infused my music with passion and beauty during flute choir. As I played, I blew all of that fear and longing and frustration into my flute, and what came through was a beautiful sound that contributed to the greater beauty of my fellow flautists.
And at the end of the day, the dragon finally released me, leaving behind another layer of growth, healing, and love.
All My Love,
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If you’d like some help getting out of work stress zombie mode, you might like my new book, Shamanic Stress Relief, due out in a few weeks, or for a nurturing spiritual shift, check out my Shamanic Clarity and Balance e-course. If you’re interested in one-on-one support, you can click here for a free phone consultation with me.
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