Let me tell you a story…
Once upon a time there was a young 18 year old girl who loved her boyfriend, but longed for her first love, the artist. She also liked her Physics study partner, her tennis partner, and the Medical Student. She kept telling herself that these were just young college girl fantasies, that she was being “bad” and should only focus on her fiánce, but this did nothing to change her feelings. She was a “good girl” so she didn’t dream of “cheating” and stayed “just friends” with these other men. In fact, most of her friends were men.
After college she married her fiánce, and went off to grad school, then got her first job. She continued to have feelings for others, including a fellow grad student, a coworker, and darn it if the artist didn’t keep popping up!
After 8 years, she divorced her husband, for lots of different reasons. She started dating, and her the artist, was always in and out of her life, but she never wanted to marry him. He didn’t feel right for that place in her life. But oh, how she loved him! Then she fell in love with another man after a while, and she tried to be clear with him, if they got married he would be her primary, but she would also want to explore her feelings for others.
He seemed to understand, but over time her dream of loving more than one in a conscious and ethical way seemed to slip away. And one day, she cheated with – you guessed it – the artist. This eventually ended her second marriage, but it freed her. She finally knew that she could not be monogamous ever again. And she lived happily ever after, free to love as many as she wanted and finally be well and truly poly.
This is my story and I wanted to share it with you because I want you to know that if you are not wired for monogamy, you are not alone.
When I look back over my life, I see that I was never really meant for one partner at a time. It’s simply not who I am. I’ve heard non-monogamy described as a choice. While I can’t speak for others, I can definitely say that for me it is not. It’s just in my bones.
Polyamory isn’t even really that much about sex for me, but more about the emotional bonds I sometimes form with others
I’ve worked with many people in my therapy practice who came to me labeling themselves as sex addicts or cheaters, feeling broken and damaged, when in reality they were trying to have relationships in a way that wasn’t compatible with their wiring. I tell them it’s no different from being gay and trying to be in relationship with a woman, or a lesbian “deciding” to only date men.
But how do you know for sure if you’re not monogamous?? Here are six signs that you might be poly:
- You have a pattern of “serial monogamy” where you still love someone but you end things to be able to be in relationship with someone else.
- You’re still friends with all your exes and you text or talk all the time.
- You fantasize about sex with more than one person – at the same time.
- You fantasize about living with with multiple people that you love romantically in the same house.
- You always feel like there’s “something more” even if you’re in a deeply happy and loving relationship.
- You want to date multiple people at once, but you don’t because you think it’s “wrong” or will upset your romantic partners.
Just because you’re not monogamous doesn’t mean you’re broken.
Kypris Aster Drake is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California who specializes in supporting the LGBTQ and poly communities.