March 14, 2024
I’ve been ruminating on this topic for the last month, after working with several couples and individuals in my practice who are opening into polyamory and non-monogamy in a bigger way than ever before — and are surprised when it brings up so many emotional triggers.
My own lived experience comes up as I sit with my client, times in the past when my whole body shook and the tears wouldn’t stop. I remember one night in particular, when I was still very new to polyamory, and my anchor partner was out on a date with someone else. There I sat on the hard wooden floor of my apartment, unsuccessfully trying to meditate while tears ran down my face. One of my dear friends tried to help calm me on the phone, but as soon as we hung up I was neck-deep in triggers again. I was “riding the dragon” of my own powerful emotions, feeling possessed by some powerful and unstoppable alien force.
Years later, the dragon has quieted and my therapist training has taught me to call this “anxious attachment” and “PTSD”. For some of us, when we feel our partner pulling away and diving into another connection, we can feel feel bereft, lonely, scared, or even angry. Sometimes this feeling comes from inside of us, from the ghosts of our past hurts, but other times it comes from needs that we have that aren’t being met by our partner. In either case, feeling like this doesn’t mean you’re not poly, CNM, or ENM. It means that there is emotional work and growth to be done.
It’s become an insult in our American culture to call someone “needy”, and yet needs are universal to all human beings. The science of attachment tells us that having needs satisfied can mean the difference between feeling secure with a parent, partner, or friend vs feeling insecure and “needy”
Whether you practice poly with a primary or in a non-hierarchical structure, it’s still important that your fundamental attachment needs be met in each relationship. A need isn’t: “I need you to stop doing ___”. A need is more abstract. I was shocked when I learned that everyone has needs, because my dysfunctional childhood taught me that to be “perfect” I should be needless and wantless. It’s so comforting to know that I’m allowed to have needs!
Here are a few examples of some human needs. Do you see a need that you have on this list that you’ve been told is not acceptable?
- Connection (e.g. acceptance, compassion, empathy)
- Honesty (authenticity, integrity, transparency)
- Play (fun, spontaneity, humor)
- Peace (ease, harmony, inspiration)
- Autonomy (choice, freedom, space)
- Meaning (challenge, creativity, hope)
- Physical Well-Being (comfort, relaxation, sex)
For a more complete list of needs (as well as feelings) you can go to this link: https://www.courts.ca.gov/partners/documents/2011SRL3gNVC.pdf
Kypris Aster Drake is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California who specializes in supporting the LGBTQ, poly, and non-binary communities.