When my dream of a committed, easeful, loving, and passionate partnership came true, I found myself conflicted. I was ecstatic to finally be in relationship with my true love, but I worried that in the end our differences would be too great, and found myself fighting against being in the present moment and enjoying what we were actually sharing together. The stakes of life suddenly seemed higher, and the chance of making a mistake and screwing it all up loomed large in my fear zone. I found myself learning a whole new set of lessons about receiving the gifts in my life.
It wasn’t new for me to have a problem with receiving with something I wanted once I got it. I often have that feeling of “it’s too good to be true” when a relationship or my work in the world is going well. Here was a man who cooked, cleaned, and did those manly chores that I don’t know how to do, without being asked. This was a man who loved me unconditionally and told me so every day. This was a man who liked to hold me all night long and make love to me passionately with sacred connection. With this man I was for the first time experiencing trust, ease, unconditional love, and passion — all the key elements of true love.
It was terrifying.
It reminded me of the time my son’s father gave me the exact brand and model of new camera that I had been longing for. My first reponse? “We can’t afford this!” The camera sat in its cardboard packaging for at least two weeks, and when I finally took the camera out of the box I had trouble remembering to use it, to embrace it as part of my life. I just couldn’t seem to accept that it was mine. A few months later it was stolen. Talk about the law of attraction! I was simply not able to receive that camera and accept that I deserved it.
I have a similar problem with men.
I have a lifelong habit of pushing away the men who love me. Perhaps it’s because I grew up with a mother who showed her love by paying extreme attention to every detail of my life. Her attention came with a lot of suggestions for my improvement. I learned to associate “I love you” with “please change and be different.” As an adult this association still gives me the urge to run from love. I still struggle to accept that men are able to love me the way that I am — no changes needed. At the same time over the years I have developed almost zero tolerance for anyone who wants to change me.
Obviously I still have healing to do. I know that the sweet spot lies somewhere between people pleasing and total individualism.
It’s a process. My growth is that these days I see what I am doing. I watch myself try to push love away, and when that happens I turn to prayer and meditation. I ask Spirit for help to shift my behavior and to heal the emotions that create that behavior.
Celebration is definitely in order, now that I have finally stopped attracting men who cannot love me. Now it is time to open to the possibility of Happily Ever After.
As I watched my beloved’s deep concern not only for my welfare, but for the welfare of all his friends, I saw how insane was the desire to push him away. I understood too that I had been “single” for 6 years. I had lovers, business partners, and tantric partners during that time, but not a romantic partner that shared with me a vision of a life together. Adjusting to having another person deeply in my life took some time.
During that adjustment period we both wondered: Is it ok that we feel comfortable being in the same space all day but working independently? Is it good that after several days together we both want some solitude? Is it weird that we flow so well together for things like meals and activities but sometimes disagree about how to organize our belongings and our spaces? Is it too soon to wonder how all these idiosyncrasies will fit together if we share living space?
I learned to tell myself the same thing about this over and over: I don’t have to decide today, and Spirit has led me here, so I trust that Spirit will help us both to know what is right.
My work became focused on keeping my heart open and on the practices in this book. Awareness has continued to bloom, and my heart opens more as I keep reminding myself that this man is not the father who was absent for so much of my life, or the mother who loves me through constant correction. This man is someone who tells me how beautiful I am every day, who supports my spiritual and creative growth. This is the man who is my true love. And, finally, I am learning to receive the gift.
This blog is an excerpt from my book, The Heart of Intimacy.
What gifts are you struggling to receive in your life?
I would love to help you explore this though a class or private shamanic support.