The Gifts of Grief

When you’re walking a spiritual path, everything is an opportunity for change and gratitude. When life gets hard, sometimes the task isn’t to try harder. Sometimes the task is to let go and f$*#!ng surrender. After all, there isn’t really much else you can do anyway.

AppleBlossoms

Recently my life has been a shit storm. Pardon my French, but that’s just my accurate truth. The shit has definitely hit the fan. My Mom got diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma, my son is growing up and pulling away, my best friend moved a thousand miles away, another friend died, and then an ex called to tell me he’s having a baby with his new girlfriend.

That’s a lot of loss. While I consider myself a grief expert, from many years of dealing with loss, this little clump of disasters has me in an agony of depression and sadness. Things are bad enough that I need to go back to therapy after 10 years. And then it turned out that my medical plan had been cancelled.

Are you getting the picture?

With all this loss, difficulty, and hardship it finally became clear to me that Source just wanted me to stop everything for a few days. So I stopped. I wish I could tell you that I spent that time meditating, but to be honest I felt too sad to meditate for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

Instead I spent a lot of time zoning out with TV. I watched all of the last season of Game of Thrones, then True Blood, and now a cute little show called Enlightened. And that’s where God found me, right there in the middle of HBONow. In the show, Laura Dern’s character says:

“I will change, and I will be an agent of change”.

That woke me up. I remembered that I have a choice about how I will receive these events in my life. And I realized that I want to receive the gifts. I want to live every day in the present moment and feel all of my feelings. I want to feel gratitude for everything that’s good and beautiful in my life.

Part of that appreciation is that I cry a lot, sometimes all day. Sometimes I’m crying with sadness, other times because I’m happy, and still other times because I feel lost and confused. Amidst all this, is another miracle. I’m seeing these gifts of grieving so deeply that sometimes it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest (or at least a very large, very fluffy 30 lb cat!):

  1. I appreciate each moment more
  2. I’m unfiltered, I have more courage to say exactly how I feel and what I want.
  3. I feel softer and more emotionally connected to my partner
  4. I’ve let go of doing anything I don’t want to do
  5. I can hear Spirit’s voice more clearly
  6. Choices seem a lot more simple.
  7. I’m more determined about the vision I want to create in my life.
  8. My brain is quieter and not filled with a million thoughts a minute
  9. Small things don’t bother me
  10. People are kinder

Through all of this, I’m working the 1st Gateway’s Sacred Tree Meditation multiple times a day to stay grounded and let go of the big feelings. Then I use the 6th Gateway’s receptive breathing to open to receive more support from Source.

It’s working. two days ago I woke up and felt as though a lot of the weight had been lifted. Although the grief still comes in waves, I’ve received these miracles:

  1. Waves of love from my partner
  2. My son calling me more often to connect
  3. Knowing my Mom is still ok today
  4. Beauty in the wake for my friend who died
  5. Free therapy from an understanding therapist until my insurance kicks in

It’s clear that when I relax into what’s real, even when it’s extremely painful, life flows forward and Source does everything in its power to lovingly support me. Seeing that cycle unfold gives me tremendous hope, and allows me to surrender even more deeply to the gifts of grief. 

Are you experiencing grief and loss in your own life? If so what gifts is it bringing you? 

I would love to help you explore this though a class or private shamanic support. 

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